


Like a tidal wave, you're crashing over me

by awesomecherry



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Begging, Canon-Typical Violence, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub Undertones, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, Jim's terrible childhood, M/M, Not Star Trek: Beyond Compliant, Past Abuse, Porn with Feelings, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Rimming, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-05 07:16:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12185430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesomecherry/pseuds/awesomecherry
Summary: Wherein an ion storm, an explosion in the engineering department, and an emergency visit to a planet on the outskirts of the gamma quadrant are solely responsible (or so Jim insists) for the weirdest wedding present Bones has ever had the displeasure to receive (especially when he’s not even married).





	1. Chapter 1

****

**“To have a soulmate, is to know someone so completely their pain becomes your pain, their joy becomes your joy, their memories become your memories.” -Takrain Proverb**

****

Leonard wakes up on Day 33 of year 2 in the Enterprise’s first 5 year mission with a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He lies on his back, eyes still closed against the small amount of light that is always on in his, their, cabin and listens to the silence surrounding him. One would think that silence would be comforting. There’s no red alert blaring, no sounds of phaser fire or running feet, no sounds of people injured and dying, hell, not even the sound of his alarm going off greats Leonard. But the silence isn’t welcoming or calming, it’s damn oppressive. Leonard’s stomach churns.  


Leonard rolls over and opens his eyes cautiously, but Jim’s already gone. Leonard knew he would be. His eyes settle on the chrono sitting on Jim’s dresser hoping he has enough time to go back to sleep, but the steady light shows he only has 30 minutes before his alarm is scheduled to go off. Leonard groans, and decidedly does not mush his face into the pillow and throw himself a tiny pity party, no matter how much he wants to, and rolls out of bed.  


He takes one step towards the bathroom before promptly catching himself on his bureau when he pitches forward more than he expected. “What the hell?” He mutters, keeping hold of the bureau to steady himself. He takes another step, slower this time, and another until he reaches his comm unit, bathroom totally forgotten. He activates the comm. “McCoy to Kirk.”    


There’s a five second delay and then a cheerful, “Hey Bones!” rings through the comm. Somehow Bones just knows Jim’s smirking.  


“Why are my legs wobbling like a newborn colt walking across a field for the first time?”  


“Shouldn’t you know the answer to that _Doctor_ McCoy?”  


“Dammit Jim-” Leonard starts, but Jim’s chuckle cuts him off.  
 

  “Kidding, Bones, relax.” Bones rolls his eyes as Jim’s tone turns serious. “We went through an ion storm last night, and it seems to have caused a malfunction in the warp drive.”  


“We’re standing still.” Bones says, the realization dawning.  


“Well, actually, I’m walking around Engineering but-”  


“Shut it, smart ass. How long until it’s fixed?”  


“Scotty says we need some new parts to fix it. Apparently, the first time they tried to fix it, they blew up part of Engineering. So, I guess that depends on how quickly we can find the parts, and how quickly they can put out the fire. Right Mr. Scott?” Bones can barely make out an accented garble in response, and then Jim is chuckling again. “The good news is there’s a planet pretty close to our position. Inhabited and a Federation member, so don’t freak out Bones, that may have exactly what we need. Your sea legs shouldn’t be bothering you much longer.”  


“I thought we were in an unexplored area of the gamma quadrant?” Bones asks, ignoring Jim’s other remarks.  


“We’re on our way _to_ an unexplored area. Right now, we’re still firmly in explored gamma quadrant territory. Which is lucky for us.”  


Bones snorts. “Lucky. That’s definitely the word I would use to describe us.”  


Jim’s voice drops to a whisper. “It’s the word I would use to describe us last night.”  


“I’m hanging up on you now, you infant. Make a ship wide broadcast before my medbay is inundated with people injuring themselves from the sudden change in velocity.”  


“Aye Aye Captain.”  Jim signs off sarcastically, Scotty’s laughter filtering in from the background before it goes silent.  


“I’ll show him Captain.” Leonard mutters, but there’s a grin tugging at the corner of his mouth despite himself. There’s still a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, but like usual, hearing Jim’s voice has calmed the worst of his nerves. If standing still in allied territory is the worst thing that’s gonna happen, Leonard figures he can deal with that.  


He makes it successfully into the bathroom and through his morning ritual before Jim’s voice comes over the speaker announcing, “This is your captain speaking.” Like it could possibly be anyone else. Bones rolls his eyes on behalf of the entire ship.  


“As some of you might have noticed, the ship is currently not moving. At 0200 hours last night we passed through an unexpected ion storm that has resulted in a malfunction in our warp core. For now, we will continue going about our duties as scheduled. We’ll begin attempting to make contact with the nearby planet of Takrasha with the hopes we will be able to dock there until repairs are complete. Until we know more, we’re continuing on business as usual. Kirk out.”  


Leonard debates heading down to medbay even though he still has 3 hours before his shift technically starts, but then he steps into the hallway and watches with grim amusement as the crew staggers around on wobbly legs, and thinks, fuck it. There’s no way he, or anyone else, will be getting anything productive done with everyone stumbling around like the baby giraffes Jim had once taken him to see. He heads up to the bridge.  


“Bones! You’re just in time for the good news!” Jim doesn’t even turn from his position hovering over Nyota’s shoulder when Leonard enters the bridge. How the hell the kid always knows when Bones enters or leaves a room is beyond him. Undoubtedly, ‘Bones Radar’ is the kid’s seventh sense, his sixth being an unparalleled ability to get into trouble of course.  


“Is the good news that we’re not going to be stranded in space for an indefinite period of time?” Leonard exchanges nods of greeting with Sulu and Chekov before stepping up to peer over Jim’s shoulder at Nyota’s screen.  


“Captain, I’m sure I can input the coordinates without you and Dr. McCoy breathing on my neck.” Nyota says through clenched teeth. “Sir.”  


Leonard instantly takes several steps back. His mama didn’t raise no fool. Jim must have been his usual annoyingly hyper self this morning to put Nyota in that foul a mood so quickly. Or Spock got called away during some of their rare alone time.  


Next to him, Jim chuckles and skips backwards out of Nyota’s space and heads to stand in front of the viewing platform. Jim stands still for barely a second before he’s moving again, walking behind Sulu and Chekov under the guise of checking in with them. Leonard takes a quick glance around. The pointy eared bastard is nowhere in sight. Must be a combination of the two.  


“The good news is that the planet,” Jim pauses and glances at Nyota who fills in, “Takrasha.”  


“Yes, the planet Takrasha has a hospitable atmosphere suitable for us to be within, and the dominant race,”  


“The Takrains.” Nyota supplies before Jim can even pause.  


“The Takrains speak Federation Standard according to Starfleet records. We were just about to make contact.” Jim finishes, smiling sunnily at Leonard as he comes to a stop directly in front of him.  


“Why do the atmospheric conditions matter? A landing party has adequate gear to survive most atmospheres within the Federation system.” Leonard asks skeptically.  


“Oh, you know me, just doing my due diligence, gaining all the information I can about our allies.” Jim grins and drops backwards to sprawl gracelessly in the captain’s chair. “Lieutenant, if you would.”  


“Hailing the Takrains, Captain.”  


Leonard takes his customary place behind Jim’s right shoulder, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. Due diligence his ass. Jim is definitely up to something.  


As if to prove it, Jim sends a goofy grin in Leonard’s direction, and barely has time to adjust himself to a much more captainly sitting position before the screen flickers and an alien is looking at them. “Greetings member of the honored Takrasha nation.” Jim says formally, dipping his head in acknowledgment.  


“Greetings to you as well, Starfleet Captain. I must admit to being surprised at your transmission, as we have not had Starfleet visitors for quite a long time.” The Takrain is vaguely humanoid, with pale, translucent skin covering a completely bald head. The screen shows the Takrain from the waist up, and all though Leonard isn’t 100% sure, he’d be willing to bet the Takrain would stand at over 7 feet tall. The gauzy, flowy robes only add to the appearance of long, thin limbs. “I am Ma’kar, Leader of the Takrain High Council. With what can we be of assistance?”  


“Pleasure to meet you, Ma’kar, I am Starfleet Captain James Kirk, currently aboard the USS Enterprise. We ran into some unexpected trouble after taking some damage during an ion storm. I was hoping some of the parts we need might be available on your planet.” Jim raises a hand and instantly a typed list appears on a split screen with Ma’kar. “I’ve taken the liberty of sending you the list of parts we need.”  


Ma’kar leans out of view frame to speak with someone in a hissing, whispered language Leonard does not know before he, at least Leonard thinks Ma’kar is a he, reappears. “We do have most of this available. What we do not have can be made available easily enough.”  


“That is welcome news.” Jim grins, bright and boyish for just a second before he becomes serious again. “My chief engineer explained to me that it will take a least a week to make the repairs once we have the parts. I for one would love the chance to get to know a fellow Federation member’s homeland.”  


“Undoubtedly, your crew could use some time off of the ship as well.” Ma’kar nods knowingly, with a hint of a grin. “The Takrains welcome our Starfleet brethren to our home for as long as it takes for your ship to be repaired, Captain Kirk.  I’ll send the coordinates for our transporter pad. I’m certain I’ll see you shortly, Captain.” Ma’kar gives a half bow before the screen goes black.  


Jim pops out of his seat like the barely restrained ball of energy he is and whirls around to face Leonard. “Shore leave, Bones!” He throws an arm around Leonard’s shoulders. “A week spent exploring a relatively new planet, Bones, this is going to be awesome.”  


Leonard shoves Jim away, because it’s up to him to maintain some sense of decency and propriety. “Great. I can’t wait.” Leonard deadpans.  


“Come on, Bones. I know you know that the crew needs a break. Even if it’s just from artificial gravity. Doesn’t a week of relaxation sound nice to you?”  


“Jim, the crew might get to gallivant off into the sunset, undoubtedly collecting a plethora of viruses and sexual diseases that I will be forced to treat on their return to the ship, but we will be stuck in boring diplomatic horseshit meeting after meeting.”  


Jim’s eyes get big and pouty, and damn if it doesn’t make Leonard feel guilty, the fucker. “You don’t know that. This could be the best planet we’ve ever been to. Think positively, Bones.”  


“I’m positive that you’ll manage to find some kind of trouble to get into and make it impossible for me to relax for a week.” Leonard says to a point over Jim’s shoulder. He will not get trapped by the puppy eyes.  


“You wound me.” Jim clutches dramatically at his heart. “Besides, you’ll be there to keep me from getting into any trouble.”  


“Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor not a babysitter.”  


“We have the transporter coordinates, Captain.” Nyota looks like she’s in physical pain to keep from rolling her eyes at the bickering taking place on the deck. She really is better than any of them deserve. “Ship Wide broadcasting system is ready.”  


Jim grins, locks eyes with Leonard, and pushes the button to start broadcasting. “Attention all personnel. We have made contact with our allies on Takrasha, who have extended an invitation of hospitality to us all. Each crewmember will receive two days of shore leave on a rotating schedule. Myself, Commander Spock, and Doctor McCoy will be leading the landing party shortly. Kirk out.”  


“Where is Spock?” Leonard asks Sulu, who appears to be the only remaining level headed person on the bridge that isn’t also thoroughly done with his and Jim’s shit. Chekov isn’t even pretending to be doing his job, too busy instant messaging the other young ensigns that he likes to drink with.  


“He’s in engineering making sure the ion storm didn’t disrupt any other systems.” Nyota states it like it’s a personal insult, giving Jim a frankly impressive stink eye.  


“Ten credits says Scotty’s already kicked Spock out.” Sulu lowers his voice to avoid Nyota’s wrath.  


Leonard raises an eyebrow. “No dice. That’s a fool’s bet. Twenty credits says Spock is standing outside engineering trying to argue with Scotty through a closed door.”  


Sulu raises a brow back. “What do you take me for? Spock would override any lock trying to keep him from effectively arguing his point. You got yourself a bet.”  


“Do I win the credits because both of you are wrong?” Spock asks calmly, standing way to close to Leonard.  


“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.” Leonard startles, swinging around to glare at first Spock, the smug bastard, and then Jim who’s sporting a shit eating grin. “Nyota, put a bell on him.”  


“I believe you’re ready to beam down, Captain.” Sulu says, cutting Nyota’s reply off and reminding Leonard why Sulu is his favorite.  


“Yes, right. Let’s go guys.” Jim claps Leonard on the shoulder, grabbing his arm and hauling him along after him. They both wait in the elevator for Spock to finish exchanging soulful, meaning looks with Uhura, Jim much more impatiently than Leonard, before finally Spock gives Nyota what Leonard assumes Spock thinks is a subtle Vulcan kiss and joins them.  


Leonard sighs as the elevator whisks them away. “Why is it I’m coming with you on the landing party again? Geoffery is going to be mad he has to cover my shift. Again.”  


Jim snorts. “Geoffery likes nothing better than when you’re not in medbay to boss him around. He’ll be fine.”  


“It is not protocol for the CMO to join landing parties that are not medical in nature.” Spock adds, humming thoughtfully. “It is interesting that Doctor McCoy joins us so often.”  


“I know you think you’re being slick, Slick. But we all know you’re full of shit.” Leonard says bluntly.  


Spock grins that little half grin that passes for maximum Vulcan amusement.  


“Captain, Commander, Doctor.” Nurse Chapel greets them as they step into the transporter room. “I thought you might need this, Doctor.”  Chapel grins, holding out Leonard’s go-bag full of emergency medical supplies. “You always do.”  


“Thank you, Christine.” Leonard raises his voice to be heard over the dramatic wounded noises Jim is making. “I’m certain it will come in handy.”  


“I thought you might be needing these, Captain.” Scotty bustles into the room and shoves a tablet into Jim’s hands. “My report in full. There’s a list in ‘ere as well, best go by it.” He hooks a thumb over his shoulder, tearing Jim’s eyes away from the tablet. Chief Sec thought you might be needing them.”  


Three redshirts stand patiently at the edge of the platform. They all grin when Jim groans theatrically. “My own chief of security doesn’t think I can handle myself. Does that constitute mutiny, Commander?”  


“It is Starfleet protocol for security to be assigned to landing parties, even on allied territory.”  


“Mutiny I tell you!” Jim bounds forward and shakes hands with his assigned security officers, mumbling a quiet, “Good to see you, Cupcake.”  


“See there, Jim, you’ve got security. You don’t need me.” Bones teases, but he takes his place on the transporter pad next to Jim anyway.  


“But Bones, think of all the things that could go wrong without your steadying, level headed presence to keep me from doing something stupid.” Jim bats his lashes, saccharine sweet.  


And damned if that isn’t the truest thing Jim’s ever said.  


Which is why Bones finds himself violently tamping down the urge to vomit as his atoms piece back themselves back together on the transporter platform of the High Council Building on Takrasha.     


The Takrains that great them look identical to Ma’kar with the same translucent skin that does nothing to conceal the web of veins and bones that lie under the paper-thin skin.  They’re all bald and wear the same long, flowing robes made of material as translucent as their skin in a variety of colors. Leonard is gratified to learn he was spot on with his guesstimate. The Takrains are indeed at least 7 feet tall. They are also strangely silent as the transporter pad powers down. The air seems thick with surprised tension.  


Jim, smile shining like the sun, steps off the platform seemingly unaware of the silence that seems to have settled over the Takrains at their presence. Surely, they can’t be that surprised at the way humans look? “Greetings, friends. I would like to thank you on behalf of my crew for allowing us on your beautiful planet.”  


“Greetings, friends. I am Sa’ar. I will show you to your rooms. Ma’kar sends his regrets that he cannot be here to greet you himself. He has taken the liberty of preparing rooms for the rest of your crew.” Sa’ar bows after a moment’s hesitation. The two Takrains flanking him have a quick, whispered hissed conversation before they too bow. All three Takrains glance back and forth between Jim and Leonard like there is no one else on the platform.  


Spock tilts his head to the side as Leonard stumbles a step forward towards Jim, the security guys following behind. “We appreciate your hospitality.” Jim cuts a quick glance at Spock, a slight furrow to his brow. “Please let me introduce my First Officer, Commander Spock.” It’s only Jim’s gesture that seems to break through whatever trance like state has befallen the Takrains.  


“Of course, pleasure to make your acquaintance, Commander.” Sa’ar nods in Spock’s direction. A whispered hiss out of the corner of Sa’ar’s mouth has the other two Takrains following suit.  


Leonard catches Jim’s eye, pursing his lips. Jim gives a half shrug in response. He has no idea what’s going on either. “And this is my Chief Medical Officer, Doctor McCoy.”  


Sa’ar and his peers turn and bow readily in Leonard’s direction, making him shift his weight uncomfortably from foot to foot. It’s possible the Takrains have a deep respect for medical professionals, as has happened on other planets, but something deep in Leonard’s gut doesn’t think so.  


“An honor to meet you, Doctor McCoy.” Sa’ar holds Leonard’s gaze for a few lingering seconds before he gestures sweepingly towards the door. “If you’ll follow me.”  


Sa’ar leads them out into a hallway that seems to be made of hardened clay and lined with large cutouts that allow an unobstructed view of Takrasha. Takrasha appears to be a desert planet with nothing but sand in sight out of the windows. What buildings are visible are breathtaking rock sculptures that seem to rise out of the ground in perfectly formed spirals. Three suns loom low on the horizon, opposite of where Leonard knows the Enterprise is orbiting.    


There are no roads or vehicles or really any of the sights Leonard has come to expect in a city, instead everywhere Leonard looks are Takrains walking calmly, robes sweeping behind them as they go from building to building. One area stands out clearly because the rock structures are much lower to the ground and give the appearance of huts crowded close together.  


“That is our marketplace.” Sa’ar informs in his, if he is indeed a he, melodic voice, following Leonard’s gaze. “Our common area, if you will. It is where we gather to trade food and goods and be together.”    


“It’s beautiful.” Leonard says honestly. It’s simple and peaceful, and it reminds him in a strange sort of way of the fairgrounds in Georgia.  


Sa’ar smiles. “I’ve always thought so, as well.” Sa’ar breezes past groups of Takrains lounging on cushions scattered throughout the hallway. Whispered hissing follows them after every group they pass.  


Leonard resists the urge to turn around as the hissing increases. He can feel the eyes of the Takrains follow him as they make their way towards their rooms. A quick glance out of the corner of his eye shows Jim fidgeting under the stares he too can feel following them. Spock doesn’t seem to notice anything, looking calm and collected as always when Bones chances a glance at him, but then Spock has always been exceptionally good at masking his thoughts.  


A particularly loud conversation in the Takrain language starts up as they pass a large group of Takrains huddled together under an archway, prompting Bones to lean closer to Jim and whisper, “Do you get the feeling we’re being watched like an animal in a zoo? Or is that just me.” Bones glances around again, narrows his eyes when the Takrains hurriedly avert their eyes.  


Jim tilts his head in the smallest of nods. “It’s not just you. And it’s not just them.” Jim cuts his eyes to Sa’ar who is glancing back over his shoulder at them with something like awe written on his face. “Sa’ar, is there something going on that we should know about? It’s just, there seems to be quite a bit of interest in us. Surely, visitors aren’t that uncommon here.”  


Sa’ar startles, and seems to take in his brethren and their whispered conversations all around them. “I do apologize if their staring has made you or yours uncomfortable. I believe they have never seen a connection quite like yours and the Doctor’s.” Sa’ar bends down, bringing him eye level with Jim. “It’s very rare.”  
 

“Connection? Between me and Bones?” Jim asks at the same time Bones growls,  
“What kind of connection?”  


Sa’ar stops and looks vaguely unsettled, large unblinking eyes shifting between Bones and Jim uneasily. “You are bound, Captain and Doctor McCoy. It is clear for all to see that your souls are joined.”  


“Our souls are joined?” Bones furrows his eyebrows, arms crossed over his chest. “What the hell does that mean?”  


Jim glances at Bones, shock clear on his face. “It’s clear to everyone? How?”  


Sa’ar turns the corner and ushers them through an open archway into a large sitting room full of comfortable looking cushions and low tables bearing trays of what Leonard assumes are local fruits. “Forgive me, I fear I have spoken out of turn. I will leave you to rest. Ma’kar shall come collect you for a welcoming ceremony shortly. Your private rooms are through those doors.” Sa’ar bows and backs out of the room.  


“Fascinating.” Spock breaks the silence that has settled over the group. “It is fortunate that the crew already knows of your relationship with Doctor McCoy, Captain.”  
 

The boys from tactical take several steps away and make themselves comfortable at a table. Leonard rolls his eyes at them and their body language that clearly screams I hear nothing, I see nothing.  
 

“I guess the cat would be out of the bag now, huh?” Jim quirks a grin in Spock’s direction.  
  

“Fascinating my ass.” Leonard says grumpily, squinting at Jim. “Somehow, I know this if your fault. I don’t know how, but I know this has Jim’s shenanigans written all over it.”  


Jim huffs and blows a raspberry in Leonard’s direction, proving that he does in fact have the maturity of a toddler. “You got me, Bones. I joined our souls together when you were asleep. Did a little hoodoo magic and hitched us together for life. Surprise!”  


“Of course, you would joke about this.” Leonard points an accusatory finger at Jim. “They’re looking at us like we’re the second coming or something, dammit. I don’t like it.”  


Jim spreads his hands placatingly. “To be fair, you don’t like anything.”  


“I don’t like you.” Leonard snipes, but the corners of his mouth tug up in a slight grin despite himself.  


“You loooovvvvveeee me.” Jim waggles his eyebrows salaciously.  


“Infant.”  


“Old man.”  


“Gentlemen.” Spock inclines his head to the archway where Ma’kar is waiting patiently, seemingly amused by the arguing taking place before him.  


“Greetings, friends.” Ma’kar bows. “I hope you are finding the accommodations to be hospitable.”  


“Yes, thank you Ma’kar. Everything is wonderful.” Jim bows back, resolutely ignoring how Leonard is elbowing him repeatedly in the back.  


“I understand there was something of a misunderstanding earlier. Please walk with me and I will attempt to answer your questions.” Ma’kar waits until they’re all heading down a different series of hallways to start talking again. “The people of Takrasha have the ability to see beyond what the human eye can comprehend. We see the ebb and flow of energy between beings and sentient life forms, as well as connections born of emotional ties and above all, love. These connections appear as vibrant threads between people, each tie taking on a different color to signify the emotional relation. Like threads, they can be small, weak, barely managing to stay connected or they can be strong, knit tightly together to form an indestructible bridge. This is the connect Sa’ar spoke of.”  


Ma’kar shakes his head, smiling ruefully. “We are not meant for fighting, my people. Our skin is thin and it is easy to see where best to strike, where our most vulnerable places are. This ability to see the connections, it reminds us of who else is affected, who is connected to a person we might wish to harm. We respect all bonds, but there is one more precious and rare than all others. This is the bond you share Doctor McCoy and Captain Kirk. The connection of two souls joined as one.”  


“What does it look like? Our connection?” Jim asks, glancing at Leonard from the corner of his eye.  


Ma’kar smiles as he comes to a stop in front of a large door. “It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It is hard to put into words an adequate description. It glows like the sun, shines the like the brightest jewel, has the strength of the strongest rock. It is love and devotion and joy. It is an honor to experience it.”  


Ma’kar pushes the door open to Leonard’s relief because he has no idea how he’s supposed to respond to that. How does someone respond to being told they have a beautiful, mythical, invisible connection to someone else? Granted, Leonard always knew he and Jim were special. Hell, surviving five years together, especially when one half of them is James Tiberius Kirk is a miracle in itself.  


“This is the rest of the High Council of Takrasha, here to welcome our friends and allies from the Federation into our home.” Ma’kar introduces as one by one the Council members bow low before them.  


“It is true.” One of the Council members whispers with awe. “We have not seen a connection like this in a very long time.”  


“Um, pleasure to meet all of you.” Jim flushes, uncomfortable under the scrutiny. “I’m Captain Jim Kirk and this is Commander Spock and Doctor McCoy.”  


“Ma’kar, we must present the bonding gift.”  


Leonard tamps down on the urge to raise an eyebrow, because wow, rude.  


“Ja’rak means no offense, Captain.” Ma’kar says like he’s read Leonard’s mind. “We are all very excited at the presence of your connection, and his excitement has gotten the better of him.”  


“It’s alright.” Jim says, shifting sideways, and Leonard knows that fidgeting, knows it means Jim is very uncomfortable and trying desperately to hide it. They’re a stone’s throw away from Jim picking a fight just to cut the tension.  


“What’s the bonding gift?” Leonard asks, drawing everyone’s attention to him. He catches Jim go still out of the corner of his eye. Crisis averted.  


“For centuries our people have given the gift of Rishki to couples with a connection like yours and the Captain’s. It is a powerful gift, meant to help partners truly understand and know each other, as their souls already know and understand one another.”  


Ma’kar holds out one slender hand expectantly. There is a chorus of happy hissing from the other Council members, before one council member procures a bottle from a bag on his hip and steps forward to place it in Ma’kar’s hand.  


“It would be a great honor to our people if you would accept the gift we have given for centuries to those with this connection. Though, please forgive us, it is typically given during the bonding ceremony, and you two are clearly already bonded.”  


Leonard looks at Jim. Jim looks right back. Spock watches them both with his fucking Vulcan smirk firmly in place.  


“Erm, yeah.” Jim shrugs one shoulder, before he seems to remember the seriousness of the situation. “I mean, yes, of course. We would be deeply honored.”  


“The honor is ours, Captain.” Ma’kar bows, the rest of the Council following suit. “Goblets, please.”  


Leonard takes another step closer to Jim and hisses, “You signed us up to drink some alien concoction. Who knows what it will do?”  


Jim winks at him. “Didn’t you hear, Bones? It will help us become one, as our souls are already one.”  


“My boot is about to be one with your ass, kid.”  


Ma’kar takes the opportunity to pour the Rishki into two goblets and hands them happily to Jim and Leonard. “To your bond. May it grow ever stronger and brighter.”  


Leonard mumbles something vaguely affirmative and downs the Rishki as Jim swallows his in one gulp to the applause of the Council members and Spock.  


For one blissful second, Leonard thinks maybe the Rishki was just some kind of weird tea, or the Takrain version of champagne, but then his skin starts tingling and the clapping becomes thunderous in his ears, making him want to curl up and block out all the noise.  


His clothes, the same material he’s been wearing for years, feels itchy and uncomfortable where it brushes against his skin and the room has taken on a bright quality that burns Leonard’s eyes. Leonard curses Jim mentally, because everything is an instrument of torture.    


“You may wish to retire to your rooms.” Ma’kar says helpfully when Jim stumbles. “It hadn’t occurred to me the Rishki might be stronger for you humans than it is for us.” His voice sounds unnecessarily loud in Leonard’s hypersensitive ears.  


That’s all the encouragement Leonard needs to lurch towards the door, Jim half a step behind him. Spock takes one look at Leonard and Jim, and silently walks in front of them, clearing a path for Jim and Leonard to stumble down.  


The low lighting that Leonard had admired just a short while ago is too bright on the walk back, every sound like a bomb exploding in his ears. Leonard focuses on putting one foot in front of the other, doing his best to block out Jim attempting to give orders as he squints down the hallway, one arm braced along the wall to keep from falling sideways.  


“Set up a schedule for the rest of the crew, have them start beaming down as soon as possible. Put Beta in charge until whatever the hell this is wears off.”  


Finally they make it back to the sitting room where their tactical team is waiting. The crew immediately rises looking startled and concerned when Leonard and Jim stumble past them. Leonard doesn’t stop to console them, every ounce of focus trained on making it to his room.    


Leonard assumes Spock waves them off because no one interferes when Leonard pulls open the door and Jim lurches through after him. Leonard shuts the door as quietly as he can, but it still sounds like a gunshot. He grabs Jim’s wrist, intending to drag him to the bed with him when everything spins around him, Jim’s voice going distant and fuzzy as the world seems to fade away.  


Leonard has a second to wonder if the twisting, turning, overwhelmingly nauseating sensation is what dying feels like before suddenly it all stops. Distantly, Leonard can make out the sound of someone sobbing. He holds on to that sound, focuses on where the noise is coming from, and the darkness fades enough for Leonard to see some of the room.  


The Rishki must be some kind of hallucinogenic because Leonard is definitely not in Kansas anymore.  


Leonard spots the sobbing woman curled up on a medical bed. A nurse is standing next to the woman gently trying to take something out of the woman’s arms. A wail rises above the other noise and Leonard’s breath catches in his throat, the room suddenly taking crystal clarity around him.  


It’s not a hospital room like Leonard originally assumed, it’s a space shuttle. The old fashioned kind that Leonard has only ever seen in the memorial section of Star Fleet headquarters. Leonard takes a shaky step closer, hoping he’s wrong, but he catches a glimpse of baby blue eyes so familiar even in the tiniest face Bones has ever seen and he knows what he’s witnessing.  


The woman on the bed, Winona, Jim’s mother, finally relaxes her grip on Jim and curls further into herself.  


“It’s going to be okay, Lieutenant. I’ll give him right back. I just want to check him over and wrap him up so he doesn’t get sick from the radiation.”  


Winona just sobs harder, and Leonard barely manages to make out the word she’s whispering over and over again. “George.” She sobs. “George, George, no, George.”  


Baby Jim lies silent in the nurse’s arms while she runs a tricorder around his tiny head, doesn’t fuss when he’s weighed and measured and a tiny blood sample is taken. If not for the eyes, Leonard would have a hard time believing something so silent could be Jim.  


Winona hasn’t stopped crying, emitting a low keening noise that raises the hair on Leonard’s arms. When the nurse tries to hand Jim back over to Winona, Winona turns away.  


“Lieutenant.” The nurse starts, painfully gentle.  


“No.” Winona croaks. “I want George. He should be here.”  


“Lieutenant, please, your son-”  


“No.” Winona says again, and then Leonard is hurtling through time and space, heart breaking for a tiny Jim he didn’t know, and the man he’s come to love.  


“What the hell was that?” Leonard croaks when his head stops spinning and he can make out Jim’s tightly drawn features in front of him. “What in the actual hell was that?”  


Jim sways, looking just as confused and frightened as Leonard is sure he does. “Did you- did you like see something?” Jim asks hesitantly.  


“I sure as shit did. What the hell did you get us into Jim? I’m a doctor, not fucking Doctor Who. I did not sign up for this time traveling shit.”  


Jim grins, startled out of his confusion. “Oh, Bones you remembered. I knew you liked that show!”  


“You made me marathon it for fourteen straight hours, Jim. Of course I remember it.”  Leonard sighs and drops heavily onto the bed. He’s getting too old for this shit. “It had to be the Rishki right? But what exactly did it do? And what set it off? Is it time delayed or something?”  


“I don’t know, I mean the Rishki could be on some kind of internal timer.” Jim joins Leonard on the bed, sprawling backwards and tilting his head to watch Bones’ profile. “You did grab my arm right before we took a fascinating trip down memory lane.”  


“So you saw a memory too? Was it of me?”  


“I’m pretty sure I watched you get your diploma from medical school.”  


Leonard groans, burying his face in his hands.  


“You were really fucking young, Bones.” Jim rakes his eyes over Leonard’s form. “You sure grew up well.”  


Leonard rolls his eyes. “I was nineteen.”  


“My genius Bones.” Jim teases before going deathly still. His voice is flat when he asks, “What did you see?”  


“I think,” Bones pauses to run a shaky hand through his hair, unsure of what Jim’s reaction will be. “I think I saw right after you were born.”  


Jim’s face twists, “How could you even have seen that? It’s not like I remember being born. I don’t really remember anything before I was like 8 to be honest.”  


Leonard slides his hands under his thighs, an added precaution because he is definitely not ready for another trip down the rabbit hole. “There’s a theory that we retain all our memories in sensory format, and that the right sensory conditions can bring even the farthest memories back to the surface of the brain.”  


Jim makes a face. “I’d rather those memories stay buried.”  


“Yeah, well I don’t think that’s an option.”  


Jim sits up and straightens his shoulders, taking a deep breath. “We need to know for sure what’s causing it.” He reaches out tentatively with one hand, stopping just short of touching Bones.  


Leonard groans. “Sometimes I really hate you.” He says, not meaning a word of it, and grabs Jim’s hand.  


The transition from reality to what he knows is Jim’s memory is much easier the second time around. There’s still a sickening sensation as he is propelled out of his body and into Jim’s mind, but it’s not as confusing or disorienting as the first time.  


It only takes Leonard a couple of seconds to place where he is.  


A police station.  


There are cops lounging around at desks overflowing with paperwork, women and men handcuffed in chairs next to them, and in the back of the station Leonard can make out a holding cell.  


Leonard huffs and shakes his head, expecting to turn around and spot a teenaged Jim with that damned smirk of his, just asking for trouble. It completely catches him off guard when he spins around at the sound of Jim’s full name to see a 10-year-old Jim waiting with a look of fear he’s desperately trying to mask with a petulant frown.  


The woman who called Jim’s name is obviously not an officer judging by her smart but feminine pants suit, and the tired, empathetic smile she gives Jim. “If you’ll come with me, James, we can get this sorted out.”  


Leonard follows mechanically behind Jim as he’s led through the station and to a small room that Leonard assumes must be the room they reserve for speaking with children based on the colorful carpet and comfortable looking chairs.  


The woman, who introduces herself as Kim, the social worker on call for the station, motions for Jim to take a seat, before taking her own. “James, can you tell me what happened today?”  


Jim shrugs and it’s so like the adult Jim Leonard knows, that he physically aches. The shrug is tight and tense and only makes Jim look more vulnerable.  


Leonard wants to jump in front of him and protect him from wherever this memory takes him. He wants to scream and stomp and make the memory end, doesn’t want to have to see Jim like this, with his too thin face and hunched posture that Leonard knows only comes from being smacked around.  


Instead, Leonard moves so he can see both the social worker and Jim’s face and reminds himself that whatever is happening, has already happened. He can’t change it.  


“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  


The social worker frowns. “Now, James, there’s no need to lie. I just want to know what happened. You can tell me anything.”  


“Don’t call me that.” Jim snaps.  


“James is your name, isn’t it?”  


“Jim. It’s Jim, not James.” Jim glares at a space 2 inches above Kim’s right shoulder.  


“Okay, Jim. Can you try to tell me what happened today? I just want to know your side of the story.”  


Jim’s eyes dart to Kim’s face and then away just as quick. “I took Frank’s car. I took it for a joyride, and then I drove it off a cliff.”  


Leonard furrows his eyebrows because he’s heard this story, but not like this. Jim had bragged about driving his stepdad’s car, and the almost death of driving it over a cliff, but he had told it like a harmless prank or an accidental incident, not one that ended up with him in jail.  


Kim makes a note on her legal pad. “Can you tell me why you did that, Jim?”  


“I just felt like it.” Jim says to the ceiling, head tilted back and teeth gritted.  


“The officer on the scene reported that you went over the cliff with the car. You almost didn’t make it to the ground.” Kim’s voice is laced with sympathy, her tone soft. It only serves to make Jim more agitated.  


“Yeah, well, then we wouldn’t be here would we?” Jim fidgets in his seat, crossing his arms over his thin chest in a move meant to look defensive but only serves to make him look more pathetic.  


“Do you want to hurt yourself, Jim? Do you wish you had gone over the cliff in the car?” Kim asks softly, eyes trained on Jim’s face.  


Jim goes abruptly still. “The only person I want to hurt is Frank, and I did. He loved that car.” Leonard hears the unspoken ‘more than me’ like Jim shouted it in his ears.  


“Very well, Jim.” Kim says, sounding disappointed. Jim flinches. “The officers called your stepfather. He has decided against coming to pick you up. He thinks your needs will be best handled by the State for the night.”  


Jim chuckles without humor. “He told you to let me rot, didn’t he?” Kim doesn’t deny it.  


Leonard snaps back to the present with Jim’s hollow laughter still ringing in his ears.  


“Well, at least we know it’s caused by touch.” Jim says quietly. “What did you see this time?”  


“You in a police station, about ten years old.” Leonard scoots up the bed, putting some space between himself and Jim. “A social worker was talking to you about you driving Frank’s car off a cliff.”  


“Oh.” Jim winces, rolling over onto his stomach so he can see Bones’ face. “That’s not too bad, definitely could have been worse.”  


“What did you see?” Leonard raises an eyebrow, because there’s something about Jim’s face that just seems off, a stiffness to his shoulders that wasn’t there before.  


Jim glances away, and that’s enough to tell Leonard whatever it is was serious. “Your dad dying.” Jim finally whispers, like saying it quietly will somehow hurt Bones less.  


Leonard swallows reflexively around the lump in his throat. Those three little words have him back in Georgia, holding his Daddy’s hand as the heart monitor trills an emergency warning in the background. “Oh.”  


“I’m sorry, Bones. You know I wouldn’t-” bring it up, mention it, ask about it. All of that and more, Leonard is sure. There’s very few things Bones isn’t willing to share with Jim and the damn Rishki knocked the top of the list right outta the fuckin park.  


“It’s fine, Jim. Not like either of us is getting to pick and choose what to share. I’m pretty sure that’s the fuckin’ point.” Leonard scrubs a hand over his face, feeling about a thousand years older than he has any right to feel. “Jim, I love you, but it might be best if we didn’t sleep together tonight.” The words taste like glass in his mouth. He can’t bring himself to look at him when he says it, because he knows the heartbroken look Jim tries, and fails, to hide when he feels rejected, and Bones just can’t handle it right now.  


“Oh yeah, um, I guess that makes sense. Good idea, Bones. Wouldn’t want to travel through time while we’re sleeping.” Jim gives a halfhearted chuckle, and it sounds so similar to the one Bones just heard from Jim’s ten year old self he has to bite his lip to keep from telling Jim he was just fucking with him, of course they should share the bed.  


As much as it pains him to even spend one night away from Jim’s side, Leonard is one hundred percent positive he cannot handle another trip down memory lane without copious amounts of alcohol numbing him emotionally. “Jim, kid, you know it’s not you, right?”  


“’course Bones.” Jim gives him that fake smile that makes Leonard’s insides curl. “It’s not exactly the most pleasant experience we’ve had in bed together.”  


It makes Leonard pause, the way Jim says it with false bravado, trying to mask his hurt with a joke. Leonard finds himself reaching out for Jim before he’s consciously aware of it. He snatches his hand back right before it can make contact with Jim’s arm, and is off the bed, heading towards the door before he can talk himself out of it. One of them needs to be responsible and per usual, it’s up to him.  


He cautiously steps into the chamber being used as a sitting room and drags some cushions back into the bedroom he and Jim are sharing and even though he knows his back will be all out of sorts in the morning, he settles down to sleep on them anyway.  


Jim is a prone, huddled figure on the bed by himself seemingly lost in his own memories.  


“Night, Jim.” Leonard says, just loud enough for Jim to hear if he’s awake, but not so loud to wake him if he’s managed to doze off.  


“Goodnight, Bones.” Jim whispers back.  


Leonard has to clench his teeth together to keep in all the things he wants to say, digs his fingers into the cushions beneath him to keep from getting up and pulling Jim bodily into his arms. Happy bonding his fucking ass.  


He listens to Jim’s deep, even breaths, let’s the familiar rhythm wash over him and mellow the rage curling hot and heavy in his belly. He matches his breathing to Jim’s, feels his pulse slow down accordingly, and between one heartbeat and the next he falls asleep.  


What feels like minutes, but is surely hours later, the sound of whimpering permeates through the haze of Leonard’s sleeping brain. Leonard is on his feet and by Jim’s side before he even consciously realized what’s going on.  


Jim is thrashing in his sleep, little jerky movements of his arms and legs like he’s fighting to get away from something, or someone. Leonard hesitates, one hand hovering close to Jim’s shoulder. He wants to wake Jim up but he also doesn’t want to throw them into memory hell. But damn he hasn’t seen Jim had a nightmare this bad in ages, not since he forced Jim to talk to someone after the whole Khan debacle. It’s physically painful for Leonard not to be wrapped around Jim.  


Jim lashes out, a whine that tears at Leonard’s heart strings making its way out from between Jim’s clenched teeth. That settles it. Leonard grabs Jim’s t-shirt covered shoulder with one hand and places a restraining hand on Jim’s bare arm.  


Distantly, he feels Jim’s other hand connect with the side of his face, before he’s yanked out of the present and thrown down the apparently never fucking ending rabbit hole of memory hell.  


Leonard finds himself standing behind a young Jim, probably not much older than 13, if that, in what appears to be a school courtyard. There is a gaggle of chanting children surrounding Jim, a much older boy, if he can even be called boy when he’s the same fucking height as Leonard himself, and a much smaller boy huddled on the ground in front of Jim.  


It’s like a scene right out of some 20th century teenage drama (not that Leonard has ever watched one, not even while drunkenly eating ice cream with Jim after a hellish shift, no matter what Jim might say). There are absolutely no adults in sight, the kids thronging Jim practically foaming at the mouth as they scream, “Fight! Fight! Fight!”  


Leonard spares a second to wonder where in the actual hell all the adults are during the Lord of the Flies reenactment taking place in front of him, before his attention is drawn back to Jim who’s puffing himself up like a too skinny peacock and shouting, “That the best you got? You’re so big and tough you can beat up an 8 year old, I bet that makes your father proud.” Jim pauses as the crowd of kids Ohhhh’s ominously.  “Oh wait, he left you here to rot in this shit hole, didn’t he?”  


That’s his Jim, hitting people where it hurts the most without a shred of thought given to the consequences. Apparently, it’s a trait Jim’s had since he was tiny. Somehow, Leonard is not surprised.  


The bigger kid makes a strangled noise deep in his throat and lunges at Jim, not caring that his boot connects with the kid still huddled on the ground. “You’re gonna pay for that, Kirk. I’ll show you, just like I showed your girlfriend. We’ll see how tough you are when you’re crying on the ground for your Mama.”  


Leonard finds himself holding his breath as Jim barely manages to avoid the hand reaching for his throat, backing up rapidly to keep Jim in his sight as Jim spins away from the boy on the ground. The crowd around the fighting boys maintains its circle as they follow Jim’s movements.  


“Oh wait,” The asswipe says, sneering at Jim. “She left you here to rot too, didn’t she? She probably wishes you’d died with your Dad. Then she wouldn’t have to deal with you.”  


Leonard has never before wanted to punch a child in the face as badly as he does in that moment. He watches Jim goes still and silent, every muscle in his body held in stiff tension in a very familiar pose he makes before Jim’s flung himself into a fight against too many guys, with too much alcohol in his system, and zero chance of winning.    


Jim flings himself at the other boy, a cry of pure rage pouring out of him as he attacks like a man possessed. It’s not pretty to watch. Jim kicks and scratches and hits with all the force his skinny arms can manage. The other boy seems momentarily overwhelmed with the sheer viciousness Jim fights with, but he uses his height and weight to his advantage and within a few minutes Jim is on the ground with blood dripping from his nose down his chin.  


Leonard knows that Jim is about to spring himself back into action, bound and determined never to be beaten, but then a girl steps in front of Jim, stilling him.  


“Get out of the way.” The kid grins like the smug chickenshit he is. “Gotta finish teaching Kirk a lesson he won’t forget.”  


The girl, a teenager a few years older than Jim by Leonard’s guess, crosses her arms over her chest, looking thoroughly unimpressed. “I think he got the point.” She pauses for a second, and then drops her arms to her sides and sways a step closer to the older boy. “Besides, Mr. Higgins is almost done with his smoke break and you don’t want to get caught beating up another kid.”  


Leonard scowls when the girl trails her fingers over the older boy’s shoulder. Teenage romance is so sickening.  


“Mr. Higgins won’t let you go out this weekend if you get in trouble, Travis, and I thought we were going to hang out.” The girl pouts, batting her long eyelashes at him.  


The kid, Travis, looks like Christmas came early. “Yeah, you’re right. Punk’s had enough anyway.” Travis grunts and turns away, kids scattering around them now that the entertainment is over.  


The girl doesn’t move until Travis has turned the corner around the building. Once he’s out of sight, she sighs and turns, walking a few steps closer to where Jim is still on the ground and holds out her hand, which Jim pointedly ignores.  


“You’re gonna hang out with that jerk?” Jim asks harshly, swiping under his nose with the back of his hand, smearing blood across his face.  


The girl rolls her eyes. “Of course not. Travis is a douchebag. But it got him to stop didn’t it?” She peers at Jim with concern clear in her eyes. “Look, you can’t solve everything with your fists.”  


“Wanna bet?”  


“It’s Jim, right?” She asks, tilting her head in consideration when Jim nods. “You want to get your way? You learn to play the other person. A pretty face and an easy smile will get you farther than a well placed punch or a smart mouth, any day. You’ve got pretty blue eyes, Jim. You might as well use them.”  


If Jim responds to her, Leonard doesn’t hear it because he shuts his eyes as vertigo takes over, and when he opens them back up, he’s back in bed with Jim, both of them breathing heavily as they orient themselves to the present.  


“Well fuck.” Jim breathes out, dropping heavily back against the pillows.  


“Want to talk about it?” Leonard means either the nightmare that started it, or the memory, but either way, Jim declines by shaking his head.  


“Not really.” Jim glances at Bones curiously. “Should I?”  


Bones figures that’s as close to outright asking what memory Bones saw as Jim is going to get. “You were scrawny as a kid. Didn’t ever know better than to take on someone twice your size, did you?” Bones says instead of asking the hundreds of questions he has racing through his mind.  


Jim laughs, a genuine smile touching his face. “Nah, I never did believe in no win scenarios.”  


Leonard blinks heavily, tired down to his bones. He eyes the space between him and Jim on the bed warily, before he resigns himself to not moving a single inch in his sleep. “Go to sleep, Jim.” Leonard commands, stretching out beside Jim.  


“Doctor’s orders?”  


“I will strangle you in your sleep.”


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning comes way too early for Leonard’s liking when they’re woken by heavy pounding on the door. Leonard buries his face in the pillow and pretends he’s still asleep. It won’t fool Jim, but Leonard is a desperate man. 

Jim stumbles out of the bed when the pounding starts back up again, and yanks open the door with a growled, “What?!” 

Nyota greets Jim with a manic, “Mazel tov! I hear you guys got hitched last night.” And then continues with, “Your dignitary duties are being taken care of. Ma’kar asked me to express his wishes that you have a happy and fruitful time reaffirming your bond. His words not mine.” 

Jim groans and bangs his head against the doorway. “Thanks, Uhura.” 

“Do you think Ma’kar knows you can’t get pregnant?” Nyota asks thoughtfully. 

“Bye, Uhura.” Jim shuts the door in her face. 

“I could go back to the ship.” Leonard rolls over to suggest when Jim face plants on the bed, looking for all the world like a defeated man. “You could stay here and explore the way you were hoping to.” 

Jim turns just enough to give Leonard an incredulous look. “I was hoping to explore with you. That’s what makes it fun; dragging your complaining ass all over the place.” 

Leonard tamps down hard on the blush he can feel starting to warm his cheeks. “Still, we have two weeks. I don’t want you to spend them miserable.” 

“I’ll only be miserable if you leave me here.” Jim says, and it fucking drives Leonard nuts how the kid can be simultaneously the most closed mouth person Leonard has ever encountered and the most honest. He just puts everything out there for Leonard to see, as if Leonard could ever be worthy of that level of feeling or trust. It makes his knees weak. 

“Well, I sure as shit don’t want to spend them in some room that smells like clay and avoiding touching each other. That sounds like prison not a vacation.” 

“Ma’kar does want us to enjoy our bonding, and our duties are being taken care of. We could go back to the ship together. At least there we have our own space that we’re comfortable with. We could spend it huddled in our room together.” 

“Spend two weeks here trying not to touch, or spend two weeks on the Enterprise trying not to touch. However shall I choose?” 

“We could always, you know, not try to not touch each other.” 

It takes a second for that sentence to make any sense in Leonard’s brain. “I thought you wanted to keep your memories to yourself.” 

Jim shrugs. “I’m sure we’ll figure it out.” 

“I’m not sure there’s anything to figure out, Jim. We touch, get instant replay of some memory that we have absolutely no control over, get jolted back to the present, then start the whole fucked up cycle all over again.” Leonard pushes himself up to a sitting position, spurred by the serious look on Jim’s face. There’s barely a couple of inches separating their bodies on the bed, but it feels like a canyon exists between them. It’s maddening to feel the heat radiating off of Jim’s body, but not being able to reach out and tug him closer. 

“Are we absolutely sure though? Maybe it’s like baseball, three strikes and we’re out. Or maybe it has to be skin to skin.” It never ceases to amaze Leonard, the way Jim’s beautiful brain can dissect a problem, rotate it around and around in his head to come up with a list of solutions that Leonard never would have ever even dreamed of. 

“You’re willing to risk it if you’re wrong?” Leonard asks, keeping all judgment or opinion out of his tone. If he’s being honest with himself, he’s not sure he’s ready to bare his past quite so openly for Jim, but if Jim is willing to risk it, Leonard sure as shit isn’t going to let him down. “I know there are things you don’t like to talk about Jim, stuff from your past you don’t want me to know about. I need you to be sure.” 

Jim gets this mulish expression on his face, like Leonard has insulted him, and he doesn’t bother to answer before he reaches out and puts his palm flat against the surface of Bones’ sleep pants. Leonard can’t help wincing, waiting for the inevitable rush of memory, but nothing happens. 

He cracks an eye open from where he’d squeezed them shut out of self-preservation and looks at Jim’s smiling face. “So, skin on skin?” He questions, letting loose the breath that had been trapped in his chest. His sinks back against the pillows in relief. “We can work with that.” He grins back at Jim, only to find Jim’s stunning smile had turned into a smirk. “What-” He starts to ask, but cuts himself off with a sharp inhale when Jim’s hand slides firmly up his thigh towards his groin. 

“Oh no you don’t.” Leonard curses and rolls away from Jim’s wandering hand. “We’re not starting something we can’t finish.” He tells Jim’s pouting pace sternly. 

“Who says we can’t finish it? I’ll keep my hands off your bare skin.” Jim holds up his hands innocently, the frankly indecent way he wiggles his fingers a sharp contrast to the harmless look he’s going for. 

Leonard huffs a disbelieving laugh and rolls further away, all the way off the bed until he’s standing looking down at Jim’s half-reclining form. “I have no desire to come in my pants like a teenager getting to second base for the first time, Jim.” 

Jim’s eyes darken, pupils blown wide open obscuring brilliant blue. “We haven’t figured out the extent of our gift yet. My hand on your dick might send us off to the past, but maybe your cock down my throat won’t.” 

“You’re incorrigible.” Leonard groans, rubbing his eyes forcefully with the palms of his hands, forcing himself to picture the time he walked in on Nyota and Spock doing completely inappropriate things in the Science Officer’s office. When he glances back at Jim, the kid looks well and truly put out. “I’d rather figure that out back in our own room, if you don’t mind.” 

That certainly puts a spring in the kid’s step as he catapults himself off the bed. “What are you waiting for then, old man? Let’s get the hell out of here.”   

Ma’kar is suitably understanding when they inform him of their desire to return to the Enterprise. There’s a knowing smile on his face when Jim explains their sense are still uncomfortably heightened, and that they would feel more comfortable in a familiar space. He lets them go with a request for them to return before the Enterprise is ready to leave if they’re able to. 

Jim flips open his communicator the second they’re alone in the transporter room. “Kirk to Scotty. You still onboard, Scotty?” 

“Captain!” Scotty’s cheerful brogue fills the room. “I heard you got married, Captain. I’m a wee sad I wasn’t invited, I have to say.” 

Leonard throws his head back in defeat. This is to be their legacy, he’s never going to hear the end of it. A teeny, tiny part of him is slightly jealous at the attention their connection is getting from the crew. He wonders if they’ll offer the same amount of joy when Bones gets around to actually popping the question, but that’s a thought for another day. 

He tunes back in as Jim snaps the comm shut, cutting off whatever Scotty was rambling about from aboard the Enterprise. Leonard raises an eyebrow. 

Jim huffs, shrugging his shoulders. “I think I just promised Scotty could be my best man at our wedding.” 

“Did you now?” Bones drawls, refusing to let his thoughts from a moment ago show on his face. When he proposes, and he will, Jim is damn well going to be surprised by it. “Spock is going to be upset with you.” He steps closer to Jim, up onto the transporter platform. 

“I see you’re not concerned that I just told our Chief Engineer that we were planning on getting married.” Jim nudges Bones carefully with an elbow, making sure it hits his fully clothed ribs. “There something you need to tell me, Bones?” 

“Do you see me down on a knee?” Leonard lets the banter soothe the nerves that flair up as the transporter pad glows and buzzes softly as it warms up. 

Jim’s grin is positively wicked when Leonard looks over at him. “Not yet.” 

“If I remember correctly, one of us promised to be on their knees earlier, and it wasn’t me.” Leonard grins back, delighted at the flush that spreads over Jim’s cheeks. It’s not a blush of embarrassment, it’s excitement, Bones knows, lighting up Jim’s face, darkening his eyes. 

The sickening sensation of being broken apart molecule by molecule and put back together again interrupts Jim’s reply. When Leonard opens his eyes they’re back on the Enterprise, looking down at Scotty’s cheerful face. 

Leonard takes an unsteady step forward, turning his head to make a sarcastic remark to Jim when he sees Jim’s hand reaching out to steady him, as it always does. He watches in slow motion as Jim’s hand wraps around the bare skin of his forearm, and doesn’t even have time to curse Jim for his damned thoughtfulness before he’s spinning and twisting, falling through time and crash landing in a shuttle. 

Leonard recognizes the shuttle immediately for what it is. He turns already knowing what he’s going to see, and is unsurprised to find a slightly younger, much more hungover version of himself sitting next to a more beat up, flustered looking Jim Kirk. 

“All I’ve got left is my bones.” Leonard hears himself say, and smiles despite himself. That fucking nickname burrowed under his skin, much like Jim himself, and took root, until it became apart of him. 

Leonard is unamused to learn that even when he’s not physically flying, he still gets airsick. His stomach heaves as the shuttle starts its ascent, making it difficult to concentrate on what Jim is saying in reply, instead of the rocking motion Bones knows he can’t feel but somehow does anyway. He almost misses Jim replying with his name, and for the first time he realizes how damn nervous Jim looks as he says his last name, the look he gives Bones like he’s waiting for Bones to judge him or scoff at him, or god forbid, pity him. 

Leonard gets to see what he didn’t that first time around, he gets to see the carefully guarded happiness when Leonard just gives his own name in response. There’s a rolling in his gut that has nothing to do with motion sickness and everything to do with the face meeting him is one of Jim’s more formative memories. A happy, selfish little bubble of warmth curls in Leonard’s chest. 

But there’s more to it than him, he realizes as he watches Jim relax back against the seat, turning his head slightly so he can keep up the conversation with Leonard. There’s an openness to Jim’s expression that gives it away. It’s the first time someone’s looked at Jim and accepted him for who he is. Not for his past, or his future promise, but just exactly as he is in that moment of time. 

Leonard is startled to find himself hurled back towards the present after such a short memory, but is grateful none the less to find himself back on the Enterprise with Jim’s hand still wrapped around his arm. Leonard grimaces as he realizes Jim is still touching him, bracing himself for another memory, half convinced he’s going to be caught in an endless loop until he’s experienced all of Jim’s life or Jim let’s go, whichever comes first. But nothing happens. 

Scotty looks between both of them like they’ve grown a second set of heads, and the transporter techs have their eyes averted to give them some weird illusion of privacy. “What the hell was that?” Scotty asks, wide eyed. “I’ve been calling your names for five minutes.” 

Jim glances down at where his hand is still wrapped around Leonard’s bare skin, and Leonard can practically feel the wheels turning in Jim’s beautiful mind. “Jim, don’t-” But Jim has already let go of Leonard’s arm and is rewrapping his fingers around Leonard’s wrist. 

Even though Leonard knows it’s coming, the sudden rush of sensation has him choking back vomit. Two trips to the past in less than two minutes is apparently all his stomach can handle. It takes him a precious few seconds, or minutes, but hey, who’s counting, once he’s firmly in Jim’s memory, and as soon as he does, he wishes he hadn’t. 

Leonard thought he’d been prepared to see anything, but he was wrong. He hadn’t been prepared to see Pike’s prone form again, though, and he definitely hadn’t been prepared to see Jim sobbing over Pike’s body, looking for all the world like a man who lost his father. 

He’d seen Pike’s body after Khan’s attack, what with being the doctor on call. He’d examined all of the causalities, been the one to declare them dead, even. He’s never flinched away from death, with one notable exception he absolutely refuses to think about, but now, watching Jim grieve, smelling the burnt flesh permeating the air with a sickening wrongness, he finds his stomach heaving warningly. 

Jim is saying something between his sobs, a low murmur that Leonard can’t quite make out. He takes a cautious step forward, one hand shoved under his ribs in the hopes the pain will keep the nausea at bay. He crouches down next to the past version of Jim and leans as close as he dares. 

“No, please.” Jim’s voice is wrecked, barely audible in the chaos of the room. “Please, not him too.” 

There’s a lost quality to Jim’s voice that Leonard has never heard before, not after failing the Kobiashi Maru, not after Winona called him during their second year and spent the entire phone call comparing Jim to his father, not even after Jim came back from the literal dead. It pains him physically to hear the absolute devastation in Jim’s voice, see it in his eyes, that way he’s curled in on himself completely like he’ll be able to sink into Pike’s body and bring him back to life through sheer force of will alone. 

This isn’t something Jim would have ever wanted him to see. He swallows back the bile that rises in his throat, praying the memory will end already. 

“Should have been me.” Jim cries, ignoring Spock as the first officer tries to pry Jim from the body. “Chris, I’m sorry, it should have been me.” 

Of course, Jim would blame himself for this too. Leonard closes his eyes and wills the memory to end. He doesn’t want to see Spock forcefully remove Jim from Pike. He doesn’t want to hear the way Jim let’s out a heartbroken, “Spock, please! No, don’t take him!” He just wants to go home. 

He’s actually looking forward to the nauseating surge of vertigo that lands him back in the Enterprise. He rips out of Jim’s grip, bolting for the exit before the room has even fully stopped spinning. They’re only a few chambers over from the medical bay, so Leonard makes a beeline towards his office, barely registering the sound of feet behind him that signals Jim following him. 

Luckily, the Enterprise is running on a skeleton crew, so there is no one to stop Leonard as he rushes through medbay, into his office, and through to his in-suite bathroom. 

Jim waits until Leonard has finished emptying his guts into the toilet bowl to ask, “Not a pleasant memory this time, huh?” Jim’s rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, one hand shoved deep in the pocket of his uniform pants when Bones chances a glance back at him. 

“Pike.” Leonard grits out, resting his clammy forehead against the cool metal. 

Jim must get exactly what Leonard means because he doesn’t ask anything else. Instead, Leonard hears Jim sigh and then feels the heat from his body as Jim crouches down next to him and rubs his back soothingly. “Sorry.” Jim whispers sincerely. 

“S’not your fault.” Leonard mutters, before turning to glare at Jim over his shoulder. “Actually it is your fault. What the hell were you thinking?” 

Jim shrugs sheepishly. “I thought maybe it was over.” 

“Fat chance of that.” Leonard replies gloomily, turning away from the toilet now that his stomach is no longer threatening to revolt. 

Jim takes that as his cue to back up and give Bones some space. “Well, at least we learned one thing.” 

“That you’re an asshole? I already knew that.” 

Jim shoves his shoulder lightly before tugging Leonard to his feet, keeping one steadying hand on the back of Bones’ shirt. “We can touch after the memory is finished, we just can’t stop touching.” 

“Well shit, ain’t that a kick in the pants.” Leonard catches the sly look Jim’s giving him, holds up a finger before Jim can reach for him. “Let me brush my teeth first.” 

Jim grins, knowing he’s won, and waits patiently for Bones to pop a dental cleansing tablet into his mouth, swish it around, and spit it into the sink. He trails behind Bones into his office as Bones heads for the well-stocked medicine cabinet behind his desk. 

Bones loads a hypospray with anti-nausea meds, just to be safe, and carefully injects himself with it as Jim makes himself comfortable leaning against the side of Bones’ desk. When he turns to Jim, Jim’s excitement has faded somewhat, anxiety clear in the furrow of his brow. “Don’t let go.” Leonard orders, stepping closer until there’s a mere centimeter of space between them. 

Jim nods, hands encircling Leonard’s waist, over his shirt, leaving it up to Bones to initiate the memory sharing. “I won’t.” He promises, and Bones, god help him, believes him. 

He reaches forward, and gently cups Jim’s face, pulling him into a kiss as the world starts to the shift and move around them. He gasps into the kiss, hopes he’s not gripping Jim’s face too hard, as he is jolted into the past. 

The memory doesn’t last long this time. 

He’s in an empty hallway in the Enterprise when he opens his eyes, silence stretching around him. There’s a sense of overwhelming grief and guilt lingering in the air as Leonard gathers his bearings. He turns, searching for Jim, and finds him staring out a window with regret etched clear as day on his face. 

Leonard strolls closer, peering over Jim’s shoulder out the glass, spotting instantly the black hole where Vulcan used to be as the Enterprise warps away. He swallows heavily, wishing he could comfort this Jim, wishes he could take the pain out of Jim’s haggard expression. But it’s not possible. He couldn’t even do that for Jim the first time around, much as he wished he could. 

His brow furrows when Jim presses his knuckles into his ribcage, making himself wince. Leonard remembers finding the fractured ribs, the bruised kidney, the miscellaneous contusions and cuts littering Jim’s body, when Jim had finally deigned to come down to medical. 

Jim presses harder, curling into himself, one white-knuckled hand holding onto the wall for support. It’s like he needs to feel the pain, or worse, like he deserves the pain. Leonard doesn’t think the tears just barely visible in Jim’s eyes has anything to do with the pain he’s inflicting on himself. 

He’s jerked back to the present before he can attempt to slap some sense into the past version of Jim. He doesn’t let Jim talk, shushing him as he carefully grabs Jim’s shirt with one hand, holding him close, while the other remains pressed against Jim’s jaw, their lips a breadth apart. Even though he wants to thread his fingers through Jim’s hair, hold him close, kiss him until Leonard stops seeing the pain etched clearly across Jim’s face, he makes himself pull back just far enough to look into Jim’s beautiful blue eyes. 

“You are a good man, Jim Kirk. You did everything you could to save Vulcan. What happened was not your fault.” He shakes Jim, just a little, to get his point across, ignoring Jim’s slightly confused expression. “Don’t you dare ever punish yourself for something that’s not your fault, ever again.” 

Jim makes a wounded noise, deep in his chest, and surges forward, licking the reprimand right out of Bones’ mouth. His hands thread through Bones’ hair, tug at the silken locks playfully, before scratching down Bones’ back, leaving little red trails in their wake under Bones’ suddenly stifling shirt. 

Bones pushes Jim backwards, toppling him onto the desk, uncaring about the papers and research smushed underneath Jim’s back, shivering in delight as Jim’s clever finger skate up the back of his shirt, digging short nails into the sensitive skin just above his tailbone. 

Bones breaks the kiss, panting into Jim’s open mouth. It’s always just this side of too much and not enough, the way Jim yields under him, looking at him through half lowered lashes, a thin ring of blue around pupils blown wide with lust. He’s so fucking beautiful, so fucking perfect, so fucking his, it makes Bones want to cry. Makes his want to take Jim apart and put him back together again nice and slow, fuck Jim until he’s crying with pleasure, crawl inside of him and never come out. He wants Jim Kirk in any way he can have him for the rest of his hopefully long life. 

“I love you.” He breathes onto Jim’s kiss swollen lips, tilting Jim’s face until their eyes meet. He needs Jim to know how serious he is, needs Jim to understand. “I love you so fucking much.” 

Jim’s whole body goes lax under him, his expression loses the harshness of lust and is replaced with a soft look of love. He breaches the millimeter of space between them to give Bones a chaste kiss. “Love you too, Bones.” He grins at Bones, all boyish delight as he his hand slips under the waistband of Bones’ uniform pants. “Now, show me how much you love me.” 

That’s not a request Leonard can refuse. 

Leonard tugs Jim to his feet, keeping one hand curled possessively around Jim’s neck as they shuck their clothes as fast as possible. Bones kicks his boots off, wrestling with his shirt one handed until Jim grasps his naked hips and swallows his cock down in one smooth motion. They almost end up on the floor, when Leonard’s whole body jerks forward in shock, choking Jim on his length. 

Bones starts to apologize, but Jim moans loudly, which makes Bones’ hips stutter forward again, starting the cycle of fucking Jim’s face over again. Leonard finally wrenches his shirt over his head, only to find Jim’s kicked off his boots and pants while expertly swallowing down Bones’ cock, but his shirt is still firmly in place. 

Leonard hauls Jim to his feet, sliding a hand under Jim’s shirt to thumb a nipple, flicking it with the corner of a nail just the way Jim likes. “Off.” He commands, tugging at Jim’s shirt. 

They almost lose contact when Leonard lifts Jim up onto his desk, but then they’re pressed against each other skin to skin and they don’t have to worry about not touching because you couldn’t pay Leonard enough to let go of a whining, squirming Jim Kirk. 

He leaves it up to Jim to search through his desk drawers for the lube he knows Jim stashed in one of them, too busy raising red marks all across Jim’s neck and chest to worry about anything else. He sucks a delightful bruise right over one of Jim’s sensitive nipples, and can’t help grinning knowing that Jim is going to be half hard in his pants every time one of is tight shirts brushes over the spot. 

He slips a hand down to Jim’s neglected cock, leaking a pretty mess all over both their stomachs and lifts his head enough to see what’s taking Jim so long. Jim’s half twisted on his side to see, letting out near constant little moans as Bones’ hand works him closer to the edge, eyes fluttering shut with every rub to the sensitive head of his dick. 

Leonard rolls his eyes, and decides, fuck it, he’s not going to wait any longer. He hitches Jim’s legs over his shoulders, arms gripped tightly around muscular calves and settles into getting Jim wet and sloppy the old-fashioned way. Jim nearly jack knifes out of his grip, torn between finding the lube and rocking back onto Leonard’s face. 

Leonard licks into Jim with all the fervor of a man who has not had sex with his hot as fuck boyfriend for a solid two weeks, kissing Jim’s hole and licking past any resistance until he can slip a finger in right alongside his tongue. 

The action earns him a high pitched whine punctuated by the slamming of a desk drawer. “Bones, holy shit, nghhh.” Jim moans, one hand threading through Bones’ hair tugging painfully at the strands, while the other shoves a bottle of lube into the hand Bones has wrapped around Jim’s thigh. “Hurry the fuck up and get in me already.”     

Bones ignores Jim’s whining, but does push Jim’s leg up until his knee touches his chest and Jim grabs hold of it for him. He makes a contented noise, sucking on Jim’s rim just to hear him squeal as he uncaps the lube and slicks up his fingers. His cock throbs where it’s pressed between the desk and his body, every sound and wiggle Jim makes going straight to his groin until he’s worried he won’t even make into inside Jim’s ass before he comes. It’s been a while, too long really, since he was buried in the sweet heat of Jim’s perfect hole. 

“Patience.” He chides, voice low and gravelly, making Jim shiver. Bones presses two slick fingers to Jim’s opening, teasing him with just the tip, pulling them out every time Jim tries to fuck back on them, bury them right where he wants them. “You need to ask nicely, sweetheart.” 

The flush that spreads down Jim’s neck and over his chest sends an echoing flush of heat through Bones. Jim stills his hips and looks at Bones through damp lashes, eyes wide, lips bitten swollen and red. “Please, Bones, please fuck me.” He begs. 

Who is Leonard to refuse? He slides two fingers home, rubbing mercilessly over Jim’s prostate with expert knowledge until Jim’s teetering on the brink of orgasm, fucking himself back on Leonard’s fingers wantonly. “Don’t you dare come, Jim.” He commands, pulling his fingers back to add a third. “You come on my cock or not at all.” 

Jim hiccups a curse, rolling his hips in little tight circles back onto Bones’ fingers mindlessly. His abs ripple with the effort to keep from rolling them over and taking charge, but Bones knows Jim will obey him in this, that Jim wants to obey him in this, wants to be taken apart and put back together again the way only Bones can. “Please, fuck! Please, God Bones, please, get in me already, I’m ready. I promise.” 

“’course you are, sweetheart, nice and wet just for me, aren’t you?” Bones soothes spreading his fingers nice and wide for a final stretch as they withdraw, making Jim keen. He pulls back far enough to get a good look at Jim’s hole, stretched red and open, dripping excess lube and twitching under Bones’ hot stare. “Yeah, you’re ready for me. You’re so wet and open, sweetheart, practically beggin’ me to stick my dick in you, huh? Poor thing, you can’t stand being empty can you, Darlin’?” 

Bones decides to take pity on Jim when Jim has to reach down and wrap a tight fist around the base of his cock to keep from coming, and drapes himself over Jim’s front, trapping Jim’s cock between their bellies, while his presses insistently against Jim’s rim. “You ready, darlin’?” He holds Jim still as he pushes in a few centimeters, just enough to spread Jim open on the head of his dick, make him feel the first pleasant rush of stretch. 

“Bones!” Jim probably meant it to come out tough and commanding, but to Leonard it sounds like a pleading whine, plain and simple. 

Bones chuckles, low and dirty, against the side of Jim’s throat, nipping the sensitive skin right behind his ear as he pushes all the way in. Jim is all velvet smoothness and tight heat around him, gripping Bones’ dick like he never wants Bones to leave his body. “So fucking perfect, sweetheart. Like you were made just for me.” 

“Was.” Jim groans, body bowing as Bones starts a slow slide out and back in again. “Just for you, Bones.” He slurs. 

That’s enough to make Bones lose the tentative control he was holding on to. He pulls nearly all the way out, leaving just the head inside, loving the sound of desperation Jim makes when Bones lifts up on his arms to get a good grip on Jim’s hip with one hand, the other pressing finger shaped bruises into Jim’s thigh. He slams back in, sliding Jim up the desk a couple of inches with each powerful thrust. 

Jim moans and curls his hands over Bones’ broad shoulders, trails nails down Bones’ back, tugs at Bones’ hair, constantly shifting from one place to another like he can’t get enough, can’t touch Bones enough. “God, Bones, fuck. Just like that. Fuck me, Bones. Want you to come inside me.” 

It looks like it took every ounce of Jim’s concentration to get that request out, because he dissolves into moans and gasps of pleasure as Bones picks up the pace, changing his angle until Jim’s body jerks when Leonard finds his prostate. “Come for me, darlin’. You come for me, come on my cock, and I’ll come inside you. Fill you up, just the way you like.” 

Jim doesn’t make any move to grab his cock, Bones isn’t even sure he’s processing anything Leonard is saying to him. Bones lowers himself down to his elbows, letting Jim’s cock rub against the firmness of his abs with every thrust, and sucks a bruise at the hinge of Jim’s jaw. He’ll have to run a dermal regenerator over it later or Jim will throw an absolute fit, but there’s something about seeing his marks on Jim’s skin that pushes him closer to edge. 

“Come on Jim. Show me how much you love my cock inside you, fucking you so good. I know you want to come for me, darlin’. Let go, baby.” He whispers the last word into the shell of Jim’s ear, punctuating it with a brutal drag of his cock head over Jim’s prostate. 

Jim shudders and comes between their stomachs, leaving little half-crescent indents in Bones’ back from where he’s gripping so hard as he rides out his climax. Bones holds himself still, buried as deep as possible inside Jim and rolls his hips in slow motions, to prolong the stimulation to Jim’s prostate, dragging out Jim’s orgasm for as long as possible. 

Once Jim has stopped spurting between them and is shaking with over-stimulation, Leonard let’s go and thrusts once, twice, three times before he’s coming inside Jim, mouth finding Jim’s and kissing him through it. It keeps him grounded, Jim’s lips against his, Jim’s tongue snaking into his mouth, Jim’s teeth nipping at his lower lip in a way that’s just shy of painful. It holds him steady when he feels like he’s shaking apart. He thinks of EE Cummings and knows that his heart no longer resides in his own body. Jim’s carrying it for him. 

When the world finally stops shaking around him, in a much more pleasant way than he’s gotten accustomed to over the last 24 hours, Leonard blinks down at Jim, knowing there is a stupidly big smile on his face but not caring at all. “You’re it for me, kid.” Leonard tells him, finding Jim’s hand and interlocking their fingers. “You’ve gone and ruined me for anybody else.” 

“Good.” Jim pulls their entangled hands to his lips, presses a chaste kiss to Bones’ knuckles. “But you’re not the only one who’s ruined. No one’s ever made me come the way you do, Bones.” He gives Bones a grin that’s half sweet smile, half self-satisfied smirk. 

Bones rolls his eyes, and pulls out of Jim before he gets too uncomfortable, paying careful attention to Jim’s face, watching for a wince or other indication he might have hurt Jim with his hasty prep, but there’s nothing but bliss on Jim’s face. “We’d better get to our cabin before Chapel starts her shift. I don’t need another lecture about using the office for ‘medical officer purposes only’.” 

“She didn’t.” Jim turns wide, delighted eyes onto Bones, tugging at their intertwined hands. Of course the degenerate would find it hilarious that Leonard was treated to a proprietary lecture from his subordinate. “How did she know we were fucking in here?” 

“Oh, I don’t know, Jim.” Bones drawls, tugging on his pants with the hand not locked with Jim’s. “Maybe because you ran by her yelling, “the proverbial sock is on the door, Christine! Don’t come a knockin!”, but that’s just a guess.” 

They head to their cabin, still sticky and sweaty, and Jim’s clothes in a state of complete disrepair, their walk of shame through the hallways. It’s not often they hold hands, but Leonard finds he enjoys tugging Jim along after him back towards their room. The silence between them is easy and light as they strip each other slowly so they’re touching at all times when they make it back to their room. Bones can’t remember the last time he felt so content as he falls asleep wrapped tightly around Jim. 

Unfortunately, their bodies don’t cease to function normally just because they’ve decided to never let go of one another. It was inevitable that they’d have to separate, but it doesn’t make it any easier. 

Leonard’s still half asleep when Jim rolls out of bed at the chirping of the alarm he forgot to turn off. He dozes as the sound of running water drifts from the open bathroom door, doesn’t flinch when the bed shifts with the sudden reappearance of Jim’s weight, doesn’t even think of the consequences until Jim’s spooned right up behind him, pressing miles of naked skin against Bones’ bare back, and then he doesn’t have time to fully process what’s happening before the Earth starts to shift and spin, lurching him into full wakefulness. 

There’s no instant recognition this time as Leonard blinks under the bright glare from the sun, peering around him at the hastily constructed houses, the vastness of the desert surrounding him. The air smells bone dry like Georgia during a drought, but the people wandering around the village seem happy enough. There’s a crowd gathered in what Leonard assumes is the village square, the happy cheering of children and the hush of adults paying attention piques his curiosity. He knows without knowing it’s where he’ll find Jim. 

Leonard maneuvers through the crowd, grinning when he spots a happy, smiling Jim playing chess against a woman three times Jim’s age. Leonard lets out a breath he did know was trapped in his chest, muscles he didn’t know were clenched tight with stress go lax as he finds himself smiling along with Jim as the woman tips her Queen over in deference to Jim. 

The woman stands and holds out a hand for Jim to shake. “Good game, JT.” She smiles proudly at Jim, not the least bit upset she’d lost, and moves to join the crowd of spectators ringed around the table. 

Jim flushes, ducking his head in embarrassment, as nimble fingers reset the board in quick easy motions. He doesn’t look up until a tall, regal looking man sits down across from him. The easy smile he grants his next challenger steals Bones’ breath, because Jim looks truly and absolutely happy, like he doesn’t have a care in the world. 

The two shake hands, Jim’s slim fingers engulfed in the stranger’s large palm, and then the chess game begins in earnest. Jim kicks the man’s ass and it’s thrilling for Bones to watch, because adult Jim has always been concerned about showing off his intellect. The man is a genius but he likes to play the part of a fool, to Leonard’s never-ending aggravation. It’s nice to see Jim so free with his skills, show casing that beautiful tactical mind that Leonard fell in love with. 

Leonard is content to stand next to the table and watch Jim thoroughly thrash the man in a surprisingly few amount of moves, until the man huffs good-naturedly at tips his queen over. The man smiles charmingly at Jim, shaking his head ruefully. “That was very well played, young man. What’s your name?” 

Jim’s face is full of delight when he answers, “James, but everyone calls me JT.” And well, that’s news to Leonard because he has never heard anyone call Jim JT before. 

“James, a pleasure to meet you.” The man holds out a hand, which Jim accepts easily, letting the man pull him to his feet. “My name is Kodos.” 

Bones goes cold all over. His heart stutters, skips a few beats, races towards an imminent heart attack. He feels like he can’t breathe because he knows where Jim is. Tarsus Goddamn IV. It’s not enough he’s seen Jim beaten and arrested and being rejected by his own mother. No, now he gets to watch Jim survive, thank fucking god, the worst disaster in the modern history of the Federation.  He hopes to god the memory will end now, maybe Jim left before the worst happened there, but he doesn’t really believe it will. 

The memory keeps right on going, tearing Bones’ heart into tiny pieces as he watches Jim go from happy and carefree, to hungry, starving, and still so goddamn selfless. It lasts for what feels like weeks, flashing by Bones in bright moments of clear memory that blurs until the next horrible memory surfaces, sharp and crisp and utterly heartbreaking. Bones keeps expecting, praying, to be jolted out of the memory at any moment, even though he’s given up hope of it actually stopping, but it doesn’t come. 

He watches in silent fury as Kodos invites Jim up to the palace, offers him food and drink and has interesting, worldly conversations with Jim. He listens to the sound of Jim’s grumbling stomach beneath completely visible ribs, watches as Jim never touches the food placed in front of him.  He follows as Jim takes the food and gives it to other children, who he knows get less to eat than he does. 

When more and more people start going hungry, Jim uses his position to steal more and more. Leonard holds his breath every time Jim sneaks into the storeroom and scurries away with as much as his tiny hands can carry. He begs Jim to be careful as Jim hides away the food, to be given it out to anyone he can. He stares at the hollowness of Jim’s cheeks, the bones visible in his arms, the sharp jut of his hipbone when his threadbare shirt rises up. 

Bones seethes, anger churning hot and heavy in his gut, as Kodos takes complete control and promises Jim the Federation is on it’s way, they just need to ration. It will all be okay. His cry of inarticulate rage matches Jim’s when Jim sees a child being beaten for stealing food from the rations line.  He can’t even be surprised when Jim attacks the guard, biting and kicking like a mad, wild little thing, even though he has no chance of winning. 

The Jim that is brought before Kodos, bleeding and so, so thin looks nothing like the child Leonard first saw when the memory started. Jim’s eyes are sunken into his skull, only brightened by the rage coursing through his weak body. He’s forced to his knees in front of Kodos who looks down at Jim from his golden throne and sighs, “Such a disappointment, Jimmy. What a waste.” 

Jim is thrown from the room, tossed like a ragdoll out of the palace Kodos has taken for himself, and onto the deserted ground. The streets that used to be teeming with life, filled with the sounds of children playing and adults laughing are silent now. There is no one there to help Jim to his feet. 

Even then, the memory doesn’t end, it just changes. The edges of his vision go fuzzy, and the next thing he knows, Bones is stuck in the town square with thousands of other people. Governor Kodos, standing on a parapet overlooking the crowd, guarded by an army of men with weapons, looks down on the crowd, a barely concealed sneer on his face. 

“The Federation Vessels have been delayed.” Kodos’ voice booms around the silent square. Next to Leonard, Jim draws in a sharp breath, pain clearly etched across his delicate features. “Drastic action is needed if we want to survive until help can arrive.” Kodos carries on, speaking over the hushed murmuring that has befallen the crowd. “What we need now are the strongest, the smartest of our citizens to carry on the important work we’ve been doing here. We cannot let our legacy go to waste.”    

Bones turns to stare at Jim’s face, doesn’t look away, because he knows what comes next. 

They study the Tarsus genocide at the Academy. He knows the guards are seconds away from opening fire on the crowd, but he has no idea how Jim is going to escape. Bones is shocked when instead of the fear he expected to see on Jim’s face, he sees pain and _shame_. Bones realizes with a sickening sensation in the pit of his stomach, that he’s witnessing the moment Jim Kirk decided he would never be good enough. 

Leonard almost sobs with relief when his body is jerked forward unexpectedly, caught back up in the dizzying time warp that sends him crashing back into the present in his bed, with Jim’s octopus limbs still wrapped in a death grip around him, like no time at all has passed. 

All the sudden, it becomes too much for Leonard to handle. He bucks Jim’s hold rolling away from him and out of the bed before Jim can get a better grip on him. He finds himself several steps away from the bed a moment later, chest heaving with panic, every muscle in his body locked up tight with adrenaline, but doesn’t remember moving. 

“Bones?” Jim asks, rubbing a red spot on his chest, voice slightly winded. 

Leonard flushes with shame, knowing he must have elbowed Jim in his mad dash to escape, but he doesn’t answer. If he opens his mouth, he’s not sure he’ll be able to stop himself from crying or vomiting or screaming, or all three. 

“Bones, are you okay?” Jim asks again, sidling closer with both hands held up in the universal signal for _I mean no harm_.  “You’re kind of freaking me out here.” 

“You were on Tarsus IV.” Leonard hears himself say in a voice too wrecked to be his. There’s a pain in his voice that Bones has never heard before, a sickeningly flat quality that makes Leonard wince. 

Jim goes stock still, color rapidly draining out of his face, leaving him looking pale and frightened, and so very young. “What?” He says, and it’s not a question though it might be posed as one. “What.” Jim says again, anger leaking into his voice. 

“You were there when the crops failed. You played chess with Kodos the Executioner.” Bones doesn’t mean for it to come out as accusing as it does, but he’s so angry he can’t help it. He’s angry at Jim for never telling him, angry at Kodos for being such a fucking dick, angry that Jim had to go through that, angry at Winona for letting Jim go to Tarsus IV in the first place. Bones is fucking pissed in a way he doesn’t think he’s ever been pissed before. There’s a red tinge to his vision, a burning in his veins. Leonard wants to scream, throw things, break things, anything to make the boiling anger in his stomach stop setting him on fire from the inside out. “You were there, and you never told me, _JT_.” 

Jim looks at Bones with a heartbroken expression so vividly reminiscent of the one Jim had worn in the town square as Kodos ordered the deaths of thousands of people, Bones has to look away. Jim makes a strangled noise, but Bones doesn’t turn to acknowledge him. He can’t look at Jim without seeing the starving, dirty, bleeding child Jim once was. 

There’s a rustling noise that Bones knows is Jim shucking on clothes as quickly as he can, uncaring whether they’re his or Leonard’s, then the whoosh of their bedroom door opening and the click of it sliding shut behind Jim’s exit. 

So much for bringing them together, the fucking Rishki is going to tear him and Jim apart. Leonard collapses on the bed and tries not to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the poem I referenced briefly by EE Cummings:
> 
> i carry your heart with me (i carry it in  
> my heart) i am never without it (anywhere  
> i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done  
> by only me is your doing, my darling)  
> i fear  
> no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want  
> no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)  
> and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant  
> and whatever a sun will always sing is you
> 
> here is the deepest secret nobody knows  
> (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud  
> and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows  
> higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)  
> and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
> 
> i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)


End file.
